Okay, So I am home for the holidays. My usual eating habits of fat and even fuller fat soaked foods is out the window. Apparently the credit crunch has had more of an impact on my family's spending than I realised or my father is simply Scrooge. Since our relationship is not exactly favourable I would say the latter is more accurate.

I am eating half the amount that I would devour at university and this is a good thing. It's healthier and I have been taking to daily walks in the hope that I may be able to loose some weight. Due to the circumstances where I live, my own company is pretty much my only company right now. So this consuming passion to loose weight has overcome me. I don't have much to occupy me apart from the mounds of work I need to do before I return next term. Yet I would rather fantasize about a new size 10 me. It's great, I am smiling, so happy that my jeans mould do my svelte body, instead attempting to trap the fat to my sides. Everyone is telling me how great I look.

I have this new healthy outlook. I haven't smoked in a week and a half, which is even better.

Now, I know smoking is bad. Everyone does. It shouts it out everytime you look at the packet but unfortunatly I like smoking. However my travels round Europe over the Summer did taint my view of smoking somewhat. So I guess I am glad that I am smoke free in a sense. I am going to try and not smoke next term. To cut it down, not eradicate it because I don't think I could with the uni lifestyle. But hopefully when I leave Uni and embark on adult adventures I will be able to quit. Still its comforting to know that my dependence of those sticks of cancer is still only mental not physical. I hope to never turn into the shaking wreck that my housemate is without her fill of tar in the lungs.

So this healthy lifestyle was going well for me. My stomach is so incredibly flat right now (apart from my breasts its my only good assest in this lumpy body of mine), it was getting podgy due to exessive consumptions of food and drink last term. Now flat as a pancake - I don't mean to brag but really its the only joy, wander down and you will encounter the wobbly whales that they call my thighs and calves.

I've even devised a healthy and cheap eating plan for next term. All was well. Then my friend rang me up. He's been ill and wants me to go round to his for some company. Now this is bad for two reasons. I am incredibly bored and agreed, I need social interaction. But I have far too much work I should be getting on with and also he wants comfort food.

Now my head is telling me NO. But my stomach, is staring up at me pleading me. So of course the devil tested me and he won. We're getting pizza, ice cream and all kinds of filth my body should not be taking.

Maybe those fantasies of a size 10 body will have to wait another year. I am no Jesus.

There is something comforting about bookshops. I love the smell of all those new and crisp books waiting in line to be read. In my own selfish way I am glad not enough people read because it means I can enjoy some satisfactory solitude in the bookshop while browsing over numerous titles.

There are four big bookshops in my town, all chains. One chain has two branches that occupy both shopping streets of my country town. I go to the big less popular one. It has wide sweeping stairs that sweep up to the level I always go to. Today I was looking for Homer's Iliad. It's part of my course and I really should have started to read it by now. I'm not a great fan of poetry but that seems to be changing a little day by day. I'd still much rather sink my head into a novel, but I like greek mythology so I though i'd take the bull by its thorns and finally buy the god damn book.

Sadly I could spend all day in a bookshop, browsing through every title and judging every book by its cover. Yes, I shamelessly admit I judge books by their appearence- but I am a byproduct of a image conscious society. 

In this bookshop they have a great science fiction and fantasy section. But I controlled my urges and tried to locate the poetry section. Which was a fifth of the size of the science fiction/fantasy section. Sad, this is I guess. 

Also what I like about book shops is their customer service is rather useless. I work in a shop part time where customer service is the top priority - "Ask every customer" policy. Really I feel like I am harassing every customer, waiting for some irate customer to sue me. In book shops you don't have that problem, they leave you alone. But when you ask someone who works there about books they appear to know everything.

Afterall only a book geek would work in such a place. Maybe I'll get a job in a book shop- that is if all else career wise fails.    

It just felt nice in the book shop, a calm haven from the bustling street outside. 

Libraries....i'm not so sure about them. There is something stale about them.

Am I pretentious?

Might be rhetorical or might not be, just a thought.


Marron

So I've just finished watching "Just Married" with Ashton kutcher and Brittany Murphy. I didn't think I would like it, I wasnt really in the mood for it. But I guess I liked it, I normally dislike cringey cliche happy endings, but this was refreshing because I don't like them normally and I liked this one. It has also made me want to fall in love like so many other films. The end song was happy and made me want to write so I downloaded it and now its on repeat. I know I don't have the greatest music taste, I don't worship music, I'm not even close to that. I like music but I don't see it as a complete thing on its own. I listen to music to accentuate a mood or emotion I feel, I need music to write. I don't have taste, I listen to whatever I want, and yes sometimes it is not classed at "cool" right now this song is as cheesy as hell.

It inspired me to write something, I'm not sure what it is. It feels more like a introduction to something, the language is not impressive by any means, I don't even know if its readable its just how I felt. I doubt it will develop any furthur because it is indictative of my mood right now, and I think that you never experience the same feeling more than once, there are so many different forms of one emotion and it relates to one particular part in time, and that time will pass and never regained same as with that aspect of whatever emotion you felt. So i shall put it in this entry, I doubt anyone will read it, but I don't think that bothers me...too much.

The couple stare into each other’s eyes and then they embrace, words don’t matter. They know how each other feel, they want each other, and they love each other. Then they are kissing, cue the music and the credits roll as we watch the blissful happiness The camera moves away and their figures entwined become smaller and smaller. You want to believe this is real; you want to believe that no matter how hard it is, there will always be a happy ending, because that’s how it always has been. It never changes it is always the same in films, whether is was Cary Grant or now the newest heartthrob, the man gets the girl and you know that it is sorted. You sigh and wonder when it will happen for you. You wonder when that perfect man will turn up, when you feel that rush to your heart, when you feel so overwhelmed with happiness that nothing else matters, because you will have each other. Firstly you never feel love in your heart, you feel it in your stomach. Secondly how can you expect to find someone perfect when you yourself are not perfect. I beleive that if you are not perfect then the faults you see in another are due to your faults as a person. Love does happen, I am sure of that, but not like it seems in the films. It appears like this in films because it can.

Maybe that is a load of garbage. I'm sure Im not the first to think that, just sometimes you like to wonder about things. I don't really see why I am typing right now on this internet diary. Isnt the point of a diary that it is secret and no one can read it, its purely your thoughts. Yet here I am publiching this on a website for thousands to see, but the funny thing is this will remain anonymous, I doubt even one person will read the inner workings of my mind. I don't think I am that open that I would write the inner workings of me, because I suppose like so many others a live in denial and to write then would be to accept a part of me that exists, which I don't wnat to uncover. I don't know what it holds but I also don't want to find out. I guess noone truly knows themself which to me sounds utterly stupid yet makes sense.

I suppose I could go on like this forever, and I suppose I am lonely. I realised something that I disliked about summer today, and thats how many couples there suddenly are, I don't hate them. I hate that I am jealous and want to dislike them. I guess I'll keep on searching.

anyway I better stop now ciao (I am not italian...or is ciao spanish either way I don't know and I don't know why I am explaining this, this shall fade amoungst the hundreds of entries being posted right now)

Maroon

So I deleted all my previous entries here because I sounded like a morose whiny teenager who thinks that their mundane life is the "worst". So I am starting over.

I am 18 years old, but I still feel about 14 years old. I don't think I look 18 but then again I dont know what age I look. Maybe I am ageless? My name is in actual fact Maroon and yet it is a pseudonym. My friends and family all call me by my middle name because that is an actual name not a colour ( not a particulary popular one at that). I come from a middle-class happily married parents, get on reasonably well with my siblings background, yet my parents decided to name me Maroon.

(the voice of knowledge a.k.a dictionary says: A dark reddish brown to dark purplish red or To put ashore on a deserted island or coast and intentionally abandon.) Check- I don't feel abandoned, oh well names are a load of crap they can't truely describe you, your parents pick the name before you have properly developed into a human being. Now I may be a little self-obsessed because I have just rambled on about my name, I obviously have issues with that I'm certain.

I like to write alot but on my terms. I don't write when Im bored, I normally end up writing when I have way to much college work. I guess it is a form of escapism for me just like everyone else. I write because as much as I love my life, my friends and my family, I can escape reality- which although it has its ups can be desperatly plain. Writing means I can enter a different parralel, I guess I am my main character, thats the only way it can work. They act and think like me just a litte more polished I guess. I tend to write best when Im feeling particulary low, when i am happy I don't feel the need. I joined fictionpress.com under two years ago. I have always written countless stories saved on my computer and I have yet to finish one. Before I discovered the keyboard I used to write with a trusty pen and paper, sometimes I find these stories. Fictionpress however has proved to be good for my writing, i continue with my stories and although my updates are rare now, I want to finish at least one of my stories.

Many things inspire me, ideas dont just invent thenselves they are rooted from somewhere no matter how obscure. I don't think a writer will ever create the ultimate original idea, something triggers it. Other people's stories inspire me, this is not to say I copy them, but i merely see an aspect of a story that intrigues me and create my own work around that. I pretty much always write with music in the background, mainly sad music because I write best when I am sad.

I would love to write a bestseller, but there are many writers a lot better than me. I am average but I can cope with that, beacuse I like to write for me and also for some level of appreciation ( this is why I love fp reviews).

Currently I am writing "His Mistress"- am stuck with this fiction. The first chapter I love, one of my favourites it goes downhill from there. The plot is higeldy pigedly- due to my lack of planning and writing when I feel like it. The story is dragging but I wanted to write a substantial amount of 30 fo chapters. The characters have a tendency to being 3-d. I love the style and the flashbacks, but it needs so much work.

"Looking, as you are"- I like the title and I like the summary, but that is about it. I have written two chapters and I am already seriously struggling. As one reviewer put, the story was bland itself and I so get that. It is bland its not particulary intriguing, but strangely I got a lot more reviews then I was expecting for this fiction. Nearly 50 already, I know reviews shouldnt matter but I just want to write another chapter for that. I also think I have a good idea brewing I just dont know how to process it.

I already have two short stories i am writing to put up but there is that time-old problem of finishing them! One is a story that expresses my sexual frustration and the other is my attempt at humour.

Anyway I'm going out soon, need a shower. Feel free to give me comments on my stories or whatever. (www.fictionpress.com~maroon)

Maroon